Self Worth and Chronic Illness (my personal struggle)

Chronic Illness has a way of messing with your head.  I have had gastroparesis for 15 months (diagnosis time) and that has been quite the time.  If you are reading this, you too probably have a chronic illness or know somebody that does, so you fully understand that vague statement!

At first is was Dr after Dr, then after nobody knew further what to do, it was pill after pill.  I have a whole tote of pills that I had only take a couple of and had a reaction to.  I am the sort of person that keeps the pharmacy hand out and then writes notes on it based on how my body handled the drug.  Those notes go into a journal at some point, for future reference at a future Dr Apt when they want me to try something (and it was that same something I had before).  If I had a better memory, I would not need all of this.

ImageThen, you finally get time to your self without the poking a prodding.   Without my job to keep my sanity, I feel very lost and alone. 

First I had our house on the market and focused on keeping it up for showings and baking cookies for when we had a showing.  Then it was onto packing.  The house sold, which then began all the hoops we needed to fulfill the lender.  Finally, it was the rush to finish packing and then to move.  That came and went.  Moving day was May 1st and now we are June 12th and I am mostly unpacked and our new place is the way I want it -for now.

Now, I have run out of things to do (besides blog and help with GP questions) and wait for my husband to get home.  I feel guilty that he has to slave away with 10 and 12 hours shifts so that we can pay 90% of our bills.  I feel that I have put pressure on him to make sure he does a  good job at work, because we need his employment.  And most of all I feel like I am not worth anything to society as I as when I was working.

Like I said, Chronic Illness dose a number on your head!  You thought that you other symptoms were bad… going down a road of self doubt is not much fun either.   I am proud to say that this feeling doesn’t hit often, but when it does it is scary!

I need to find something to occupy my time, but haven’t found it yet.  It appears that we may have to move in the near future, so I rather not get to invested in anything.  My gastroparesis research for my blogs (more in the future) keeps me going and helps me learn a little more.

Thanks for reading and I hope I didn’t get you too down with the blog.  I am doing fine and happy that I have my husband, family and GP family to support me.   All I can do is pray there is a cure (or better treatment options) to end this suffering that we are all going through, no matter your reason for reading this today! 

5 responses to this post.

  1. I don’t know if you’ve been going to or considered going to see a psychotherapist. Honestly, it was a lifesaver for me. You have so much physical stress because of the illness and then the stress of burdening others and the stress and the stress goes on. If anything, it’s good to have that objective person to just talk to, who understands the toll chronic illness takes on people (find one on pain management). Also, keeping our minds too preoccupied so we’re not focusing on necessary changes may only be delaying future problems so don’t forget to find the right balance between keeping your head clear with things to do and intentionally avoiding things that need to be tended to. I know it’s still a major work in progress for me. Something else that you might find interesting and useful is this: http://www.soundstrue.com/shop/search?querySort=bestsellers&queryFilter=All&searchTerm=Jon+Kabat-Zinn&queryDomain=author&queryType=All+Products&gclid=CLm2u5SW4rcCFcFj7AodjCIAwA. The Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief set is phenomenal! Jon Kabat-Zinn created the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center.

    Reply

    • Thanks for your thoughts. I did ask my first GI Dr if she knew of a therapist I could talk too. Assuming she has clients she had already directed down that path after being diagnosed with gastroparesis. She looked at me stunned and say, ‘no, I don’t. I have not been asked that before’. Then I started to cry. A light came on in her head and she said, ‘oh, this must be hard for you. maybe your primary care doctor can help.’ The primary care doctor only found one person that fit my needs, but she was not taking any new patients. I am back to square one with no insurance to cover the cost of such ‘treatment’ and we may be moving to yet another state, so don’t see much need to get started now. I certainly understand finding a ‘balance’ and I thought I did. But I go through a cycle where I seem to get depressed for a couple of days and them am okay again. Before my doctor just wrote it off as the birth control pills. I know it’s not. It is just like you described. Thanks for the link, I will take a closer look later tonight.

      Reply

  2. […] Self Worth and Chronic Illness (my personal struggle) (melissagpfight.wordpress.com) […]

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  3. […] Self Worth and Chronic Illness (my personal struggle) (melissagpfight.wordpress.com) […]

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